WELCOME back!
The fall Pixie League soccer season
officially kicks off next week, and I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know
the schedule and provide guidelines. I’m sure we all agree that, with the
Grasshoppers’ 1 – 12 record last season, there’s plenty of room for
improvement this fall! With a view to maximizing our performance, this summer I attended
the National Conference of Pixie League Coaches, held in King of Prussia, Pa. I did some
valuable networking and came away truly "pumped."
PHYSICAL
TRAINING
Per my memo last June regarding the
summer-training regimen, your nine-year-old daughter should now be able to: (a) run a mile
in under five minutes with cinder blocks attached to each ankle (lower body); (b)
bench-press the family minivan (upper body); (c) swim a hundred yards in fifty-degree
water while holding her breath (wind); (d) remain standing while bowling balls are thrown
at her (stamina).
PRACTICE SCHEDULE
-
Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays: 5:30
A.M.
-
Tuesdays, Thursdays: 5:30 P.M.
-
Sundays: 7 A.M.
-
Columbus Day Weekend: 7:30 A.M.
Note: Live ammunition will be used at the Thursday practice.
VIDEO CRITIQUE OF GAMES
-
Mondays, 8 P.M. Parents strongly
urged to attend. See "Camera Dads" sign-up list (Attachment E). Note:
Professional-quality video cameras preferred.
GAME SCHEDULE
-
Saturdays, 8 A.M. Important: Please
be sure to have your daughter there at least two hours before game time for the pregame
strategy briefing and pep rally. Note: As the girls will be biting the heads off
live animals, we will need lots of guinea pigs, hamsters, parakeets, etc. See sign-up list
(Attachment P). No goldfish, please!
HALFTIME SNACKS
-
Last year, there was some confusion
about appropriate nourishment. According to guidelines established by the
N.C.P.L.C.’s Committee on Nutrition and Performance, "snacks high in
carbohydrates, sucrose, and corn syrup have been demonstrated to provide dramatic
short-term metabolic gain." So save those low-fat pretzels for your cocktail parties
and bring on the Twinkies and Ring Dings. Let’s make sure that when the Grasshoppers
hit the field they’re hoppin’!
USE OF STEROIDS
-
One of the many things I took away
from the panel discussions at King of Prussia was that, contrary to medical guidelines,
use of anabolic steroids by preteens is not necessarily a hundred per cent harmful. (See
Attachment Q: "New Thinking on Performance Boosters and Mortality.") Grasshopper
doctor dad Bill Hughes will discuss the merits of stanozolol versus fluoxymesterone and
dispense prescriptions to all interested parents. (Participation encouraged!)
Note: If any Grasshopper
parents are planning a vacation in Mexico, please see me about bringing back certain
hard-to-get enhancers, like HGH (human-growth hormone) and EPO (erythropoeitin).
PARENTAL INPUT ON PLAYER
SUBSTITUTIONS
Much as I appreciate your enthusiasm, it is not helpful if in the middle of a tense game
situation you abuse me verbally – or, as one overzealous dad did last season, assault
me physically – because I have not sent in your daughter. For this reason, I will be
carrying a Taser with me at all times. These anti-assault devices deliver up to fifty
thousand volts of electricity, and leave the recipient drooling and twitching for weeks.
Though I will make every effort to see that each Grasshopper gets her turn on the field,
if you get "in my face" about it don’t be "shocked, shocked." to
find yourself flat on your back in need of cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
INJURIES
If your daughter has kept up with the summer-training program, there’s no reason she
shouldn’t be able to finish out a game with minor injuries, such as hairline bone
fractures or subdural hematomas. (Parental support needed!) Remember the Grasshopper
motto: "That which does not kill me makes me a better midfielder!"
CHEERLEADING
If the coaches at K. of P. were unanimous about anything, it was the key importance of
parental screaming from the sidelines. This not only lets our girls know that Grasshopper
parents do not accept failure but also alerts the other team that if they win you will
probably "go postal" (kid talk for temporary insanity) and try to run them over
in the parking lot after the game.
See you Monday morning!
This is
only a sample of the humor of
Christopher
Buckley.
If you are interested in ordering some of his books go to
Amazon.com
Memo
From
Coach